On a high

October 9, 2012 § Leave a comment

This is going to sound really cheesy, stupid, and sentimental, but having a baby has saved me. Just over a year ago, I felt lost, confused, and it seemed like my life was going nowhere. I worked, made good money, had close friends, but every morning I felt empty. At first I thought I was depressed, so I went to see a psychologist. I later realized it was because, at that time, I had surrounded myself with a complete jerk, who brought me down, and down very low. I’ve mentioned this before, but it helps to tell myself again. Soon after, a quick chain of events led to becoming pregnant by accident (not by afore-mentioned jerk, thankfully), and now, looking after a 5-month old on my own. I thought it would be harder, but it’s not. Her smiles in the morning make my heart burst. My life makes complete sense now. Nothing else matters. My daughter will be reading this in the future, so, my baby girl, when you’re old enough to read and understand this, you saved me. So, thank you.

Prepared

October 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

Long before my daughter was born, I prepared myself, for the sleepless nights.

She slept through the night from 6 weeks old, and still does. I sleep better now than before she was born.

I prepared myself, for the fussing and crying, and the mental exhaustion.

She hardly fusses, cries very little, and is easily soothed by some milk, sleep, and cuddles.

I prepared myself, for the lack of time to do anything, such as showering and eating.

She is so well-behaved, I have time to shower, put make-up on, clean, and cook. With no external help.

What I wasn’t prepared for, was the enormous amount of love I never knew I had for one tiny human being.

Letter 1

July 22, 2012 § 2 Comments

Dear daughter,

I’m posting this here because Google won’t let me create an account for you and send you an letter. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write something. There’s so much I want to tell you. So I wanted to record this somewhere, and this was the only place. Right now it’s just after 9pm, and you’re fast asleep as usual, without any fuss, and you’ll wake up at 5am to be fed. You’re only 12 weeks old, and sleeping by yourself just kind of happened after you turned 6 weeks old. You’re already so independent.

Anyway, I’ve been watching episodes and episodes of Californication. If you turn out to be anything like me, it’s a show you’ll probably love. In one episode, Hank Moody wrote a letter to his daughter, parts of of which I wanted to share with you. It kind of describes how I would like your father to think, sometimes.

Here’s a portion of it, some of which I can relate to, also.

You smelled nice, most of the time, but you didn’t seem to have much interest in me, which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was just you and your mom against the world. Funny how some things never change. So I cruised along, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed. I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear.

I hope you appreciate the content as much as I did.

Love,
Your mother

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