My name is

July 10, 2009 § 3 Comments

Although I would never consider myself a needy and demanding sort of person when it comes to most aspects of life, there are some things which absolutely must comply when relating to domestic life. In the past year, with other more important pursuits and throughout my couchsurfing odyssey, I managed to temporarily suppress these tendencies but not without much angst and compromise. However now that I’m home I’ve decided I cannot contradict my true nature any longer, and any more extended periods of denial would transform me into one truly unhappy person. At that I would make myself and others around me utterly miserable.

It is due to these strict rules that I’ve grown to live by that refrains me from searching for any kind of shared accommodation, for fear I would be the roommate from hell. I would be what one would call controlling in all areas of the home – I am kitchen nazi, bathroom nazi, laundry nazi, bedroom nazi, and the list goes on. For example:

1. The bed, upholstered in a high quality fabric and dressed in fine quality white sheets, shall be made to hotel standards every morning. This means the feathery blanket and heavy wool quilt must be folded tight and right, with pillows appropriately arranged and fluffed so that its sleeper may come home to a deluxe-like environment every night.

2. All bathroom tools, devices and the like must be stored neatly in cupboards or drawers. If it means opening a drawer to get to your toothbrush twice a day, so be it. Towels which inhabit this space must be white, to further enhance the hotel-like moments. These simple practices ensure a clean and pleasant bathroom experience for all users.

3. This rule also applies to the kitchen. All appliances and crockery must be washed, dried and stored away after each meal. Yes, breakfast, lunch and dinner. No dishes are to be left in the sink at all times, and I do not like using the dishwasher because this means dirty crockery stews in there for long hours. It also introduces unpleasant smells. Garbage must be thrown out every night. Has anyone seen the volumes of Oz cockroaches?

4. Laundry is one of the things I’m passionate about. Call me a freak, but I really like doing it. The mechanical process of it – wash, dry, fold – seems simple yet therapeutic. I love the smells of laundry and sun, which is why I never let laundry linger, my own or any co-habitant of mine.

5. No outdoor footwear can be worn inside. Don’t care how cold your feet are, wear socks.

6. Absolutely no smoking of any substance.

7. Ah, but copious amounts of alcoholic beverages are most welcome.

All of the above would make me as happy as a clam. As one can probably tell, my standards of tidiness and cleanliness are at neurotic levels. Clutter and dust just don’t belong where I live. Which is why this post serves as a pseudo word of caution to my potential roommate, my lovely companion X. Due to the bleak rental market anything within one person’s budget is a shithole, so there has been serious discussion about possibly sharing a place in order to double the money and maintaining said quality of life in a nice apartment. Well, at least for me anyway. Hey! He shouldn’t complain. At least his bed will always be made and laundry will always be done. He just needs to obey the regime of The Royal Ruler Of Home. And occasionally perform slave-like duties.

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§ 3 Responses to My name is

  • S says:

    We are seriously on the same page here, I run the same kind of OCD domestically.

    I love it, if we cannot have control in so many other aspects of our lives. Damn it. At least I can control my sheet thread count! ; )

  • Orhan Kahn says:

    Oh, my.

    You both scare me!

  • Steph says:

    @S: No shit! It's a simple pleasure but so effective. And welcome back!

    @Orhan: Then we've both done our jobs well. Women have to run a tight household you know.

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